In this quote the Rabbi is saying that we should look for three values in a potential partner. This is the first: “a higher commitment” and I’m not using the whole section, I’ve cut some bits out. To read the whole thing go here.
The person should be fully committed to some objective moral and ethical standard. Now if a person’s core value, let’s say, is adventure. What they most like in the world is adventure. It could be right now, this person seems like a very nice person. They’re volunteering in a hospice, at a hospital. Why? Because for them this is adventure. It’s an exciting thing. They get to help people in the last few moments of life. And to me it looks like they’re really very kind.
But the reality is they’re not kind, they’re just adventurous. And over time, if their core value is adventure, then the way that they pursue that core value or express it might change. They might stop working in the hospital, and they might try other expressions of adventure which I don’t admire as much, in fact which might even be unpleasant or, in my mind, even unethical. The reason is because at the center of every human personality there is this core value, the thing that is most important in the world to that person. And then there are a bunch of satellite values that rotate around that value. However, if the core of the person is a burning desire to do good, to live a good life, a righteous life, a life of caring, then everything else will rotate around that, and at least I know that for the rest of my life I’ll be married to someone who will take care of me, who will take care of my children, who will be a good person
However, if the core of the person is a burning desire to do good, to live a good life, a righteous life, a life of caring, then everything else will rotate around that, and at least I know that for the rest of my life I’ll be married to someone who will take care of me, who will take care of my children, who will be a good person
Now how do you figure that out? It’s not very difficult actually.
Whatever a person’s core value is, you will find them sacrificing for on a daily basis. For instance, if someone’s core value is making money, so if you follow them for 24, 48, 72 hours, you will see that they will make regular sacrifices for profit, to pull in a few more bucks. They’ll stay up late, they’ll miss out on time with friends, they’ll do all sorts of things just to pull in that extra buck. If you hang out with them long enough you’ll see them sacrifice for their core value. If a person’s core value is goodness, then if you follow them for 24, 48, 72 hours, you should see them sacrifice for the sake of being kind to somebody else.
Red more Rabbi Lawrence Kelemen – Part 9
So my question to you is this – if you live with someone for the rest of your life… what “core value” do you want in a wife? When you figure this out, you’ll more easily recognize her when she shows up!
This is probably a singles guy question, BUT those with experience are welcome to weigh in and share their valuable experience.