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Divorce

The Top Ten Myths of Divorce

I strongly recommend that all us men read this article: The Top Ten Myths of Divorce

Unmarried men need to read it to be fully awake at the effort they put into themselves BEFORE marriage will pay of handsomely. In particular note…

MYTH 2: Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.

Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing.

The reason for this (I suspect) is that if we try a relationship and it stumbles, we are free to leave. Don’t have to work it out. We try another, leave. Try another, leave. By this time we’re 22 years old and we have dated 5 people? Maybe 15? And then we get married. The marriage stumbles – because we’re human. What is our deeply ingrained training over 5 (or 15) dating experiences? We can solve the problem by leaving. So we leave.

Married men might reconsider having kids to fix the marriage when they consider…

MYTH 4: Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce.

Many studies have shown that the most stressful time in a marriage is after the first child is born.

beachcouple.jpgAny work you two can do on your marriage before kids will pay off handsomely. Fissures turn into cracks in marriage AFTER the first year. And cracks turn into gulleys after kids. Put in the hard yards up front.

Everyone should read this TRUTH.

children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents. In the children of divorce, the sense of commitment to a lifelong marriage has been undermined. (contained in myth 7)

This is a wonderful truth. Kids learn not from our words, but from our behavior. They learn by watching ho mom and dad talk. Does dad love mom in his actions? Does mom prefer dad over any other man by her actions? Do they fight and then make up and restore their love? Do they learn and grow? Do they share and communicate?

Divorced men (that’s me) might benefit from reading this

MYTH 1 Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages.

 Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages

The point is that marriage takes work. We have to put effort in. Maintain a soft heart towards one another (that will be a challenge for me because of my past hurts). Trying a new person won’t fix anything.

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Discussion

37 thoughts on “The Top Ten Myths of Divorce

  1. Amen. Nothing is easy when it comes to two sinners living under one roof.

    Wooo! Ain’t that the truth.

    Posted by John | July 9, 2007, 1:42 pm
  2. Regarding second marriages……they have a horrendous track record, and for good reason. Last time I looked at what Jesus said on this issue, second marriages were not an option. Make the only one you get work. God hates divorce, he will help, ask him.

    Hi Sharon

    I have a few thoughts on your comment:

    1. Second marriages definitely have a higher failure rate. The key issue is… did the person learn from the first time around and did they change and heal and grow deeply enough so that things are very different the second time around
    2. Jesus actually said that “divorce is permitted because of our hardness of heart”. It is *permitted*, but just like with ALL sin, God hates all our sin. He hates your sins too. Divorce is a sin. Your sin is sin too. No one is “better” than a person who is divorced.
    3. Make the one you get work. Amen. Yes yes yes. Couldn’t agree more.

    I don’t believe people should remain in an abusive relationship. Marriage is a covenant and it takes TWO people to maintain a covenant. Abuse and infidelity breaks that covenant. When Israel broke the covenant so many times, God divorced Israel and “put her away”.

    I hear your heart is for marriage. Mine is too. But sometimes – remember that this is a broken and fallen world – things don’t go how they should. I keep thinking of when Jesus rebuked the pharisees for putting heavy burdens onto the people which they COULD NOT bear. Jesus rebuked them for that.

    I hope and pray that your marriage doesn’t end and instead it FLOURISHES. I hope and pray that for me too. :)

    God bless you,
    Mark.

    Posted by Sharon | January 7, 2008, 6:55 am
  3. Uh, remember, too, that (1) God Hates Abusive Men (Micah)
    and (2) God divorced Israel (Hosea.) WHAT?!

    The above will raise lots of eyebrows, but God actually said that you (Israel) are not my people and I will not be ‘I am’ to you.” That’s a divorce, folks! (He took her back again, but under a different set of rules… he would take all the requirements of righteousness upon Himself.) (Marriage is a 100% – 100% venture not a 50-50 split!)

    Furthermore, I recommend the book: “And Takes Another” which outlines Jewish thought of the day (30 AD) and helps us understand the passages in Matthew better.

    By the way, I’m not justifying divorce out of any sense of obligation of my own. I’ve never been divorced. (I married my high school sweetheart in 1990 and we have 10 wonderful children.) However, from a theological study on this issue, we have legitimate reasons for a “fault-based” divorce system.

    my 2 cents

    Very well said Peaker! Couldn’t have put it better myself. May God continue to bless you will marital bliss. – Mark

    Posted by Peaker | January 11, 2008, 2:09 am
  4. I have been married for 12 years and have been with her for 15. I told her when we met that I didn’t want to get married and have children, but eventually I decided to marry her because we had a child together. I thought things would get better as i changed, because i was always told it was my fault for our struggles. I gave my life to Christ, stopped drinking and dating other women, moved to another state to start over with her, started my own business, and became a minister. But, our marriage never became better. The only thing we have in common is our children and God. Were both good people but not good for each other. I struggled with leaving because of God and my children, but I finally had enough were I couldn’t stay married to someone that I don’t love and is hurting me emotionally. I believe that I married for the wrong reason, and that was for my children to have both parents. I struggle with guilt because I feel that I’m not pleasing the father and hurting my kids, but I don’t want to hurt another day in my marriage. Keep me in your prayers, because I hurt when others hurt. But I must find some peace.

    Posted by love | April 29, 2008, 2:19 pm
    • this is the same reason i had gotten married, we had a child and i believed it was best for our son. as w/you, things did not get any better, we stayed together for 20yrs.

      Posted by 1flowergirl | April 18, 2012, 3:30 pm
  5. I pray that God continues to strengthen marriages. Let us not try to make exceptions. The Bible clearly states that God hates divorce. If we as christians take responsiblity for our actions and don’t look back but look up to Jesus, He is able to heal our marriages. People should not walk out of marriage for just every flimsy excuse. We are not perfect and should not expect perfection from our spouse. We should lift each other up in prayer. If you find out that you married for the wrong reason ( probably before you became born again), look up to God and you will find many good things about your spouse.

    Posted by Fred | July 18, 2008, 7:02 pm
  6. I just wanted to comment on life after divorce. I am divorced and had a awful first marriage. My childhood was also very dysfunctional. God used the pain of my marriage to draw me into a closer relationship with him- and totally surrender all to Him.

    My divorce was over eleven years ago and I have been through many rough years as a single parent. My daughter suffered terribly from the early years of the marriage, and only now is stable. I learned the hard way how not to do marriage the right way.

    Many of my newly divorced friends re- married quickly, and I felt left out, lonely, frustrated, and tired of not only having to raise a family by myself, but also suffered the emotional scars from the painful relationship and the broken vows. Also, I had two children who were damaged from this. Having given the very most intimate parts of myself to someone, and shared the most private things with him. I think going through divorce is one of the most painful things in life, even more than a death, because you know the person did not choose to die.

    Since being divorced, I have had many men ask me out, but none that appealed to me. I have started to attend a Celebrate Recovery group to help me understand my issues and learn how to re- bond with people.

    I hope someday to re- marry. I am a normal woman with very normal desires, and I struggle with the desire for intimacy – but deal with inner conflicts about it-wanting it so badly, and yet being so afraid of it. I have been praying for my future spouse all the time I have been alone raising my kids.

    I know that realistically the hurt and pain and trauma I have been though have created deep wounds inside me, and that re- connecting on an intimate level will be a challenge, but I trust the Great Healer is working inside me to bring me wholeness, so that someday I can be a supportive, loving partner, lover and friend to some man and be a blessing to his life. I think this would be pleasing to God- to bring me full circle- having made mistakes, learned from them, and then walking His way.
    I did not know God would have me wait so long, but He does things right and timing is His business. It is worth waiting for the right one that you know is that gift from God and that He had fastened you for each other.
    Because my marriage was so awful ( not ALL his fault) I really feared marriage and still am afraid. It is a serious commitment not to be taken lightly ever. It is a blood covenant.
    I see marriages all around me that I do not want. Marriage is a picture of God and us, and also there is the uniqueness in each marriage as two people learn to dance together. God has a relationship with His church, but also with each of us as individuals that is unique. I think that is so amazing and beautiful.
    No one loves God the way I do- with my particular flavor- just like there is a unique smell to each of us, He loves when we commune with Him and He gets a whiff of our fragrance that He created for Himself. He needs and delights in my kind of love, the way I worship Him is different than anyone else.

    In marriage each person bring out something in the other no other person on the planet could.

    I remind myself when I feel scared of trusting a man again, that not all men are the same, just like all women are not the same. We all have unique experiences, and responses to them. We grow at different season in our lives . We all come with special features., flaws, and defects that are displayed in a variety of ways. Chemistry between two people is very mysterious and marvelous.

    There are principles and generalities that are very helpful, and Godly roles and distinction that guide us, but the very neat thing about marriage, is that two people have a life time to discover all the unique treasures inside their spouse that are hidden. Like a treasure hunt. The unique color they make together is not like any other .

    My first husband was not a Christian, even though he believes in God. I love Jesus and yet am almost afraid to marry a Christian man because I don’t know what to expect from one. That sounds silly, but it is something I think about.

    I pray for continuing healing for my heart, and wholeness in Christ, and really appreciate the maturity Mark , that you have expressed in your writings about men and woman.
    I think that satan has tried to destroy hopes in marriage by braking families apart, and having them wounded, and keeping them thinking they can never relate normally again, so deviant behavior happens as a result of people trying to stifle the natural desires that God gave us, that can trap people in lives of isolation.

    There are some who are telling single people it is their “calling,” when I think, many times, it is a healing and growth that needs to happen as people work toward marriage, not a suppression of their natural God given desires. People may need to learn skills, tools to overcome issues, and that takes time, and is painful to face, but is worth it.

    I did think that I was too wounded to try again, stuck in sexual addiction to deal with my sex drive as a single again person, but also thinking that God did not care about providing me a partner. I had many years of anger at God for putting me in that position- of having a desire , but not legitimate means of expressing them. As God is giving me grace in recovery, I am starting to feel hopeful again, about re- purifying myself, and learning that I am valuable, for what is inside me, my character , not just my ability to arouse men sexually.

    I was caught up in that cultural view of myself as a woman, not thinking any man really would care about my heart, or intellect that I also appeal to me. I could attract men, but did not have the skills to know how to build intimacy and trust slowly. The way I did things when I was single created the misery in my marriage, and was doomed to failure.

    I think God wants to heal many divorced people, wounded people, and scared people , like me , and bring them Godly spouses- to enjoy all the fullness of the marriage. It would really make the enemy angry to see all of us lonely folks, growing in love with each other, learning how to build strong yolk partnerships and living in freedom in Christ beyond our pasts.

    I think so many sex problems are caused by Christian people thinking that God wants them to suppress their sex drive, and not that He wants to heal them, teach them how to bond, how to learn to grow true intimacy and enjoy a fabulous sex life as a result of that healing, to express love and pleasure with each other.

    I do not know how my story will turn out- waiting for God to unfold that, is still on going. Chemistry is very important to me, so far nothing yet. but I think God is a great match maker. There is a hope inside me , a romantic heart, that believes that a passionate, life time, satisfying marriage is possible. I believe God is a God of second chances, and new beginnings. I think that makes God happy when two of His children have courage to accept life time commitment , loyalty, passion, and enjoy each other as much as possible since they each reflect Him.
    Here’s to healing, wholeness, and God’s mysterious Hand working to bring people healing, courage, and wholeness, and willingness to try to love each other God’s way. It is cause to celebrate!
    I do not think God’s intention was to create a whole generation of very frustrated, isolated, single, and single agains addicted to porn, masturbation and fantasy.
    Here’s to God’s healing, and to re- marriage !
    I know that I needed a very long time alone to fully understand my mistakes, and my flaws, better as the Lord and I have traveled alone for so long. I had childhood trauma I needed to explore, and to understand what commitment was all about through my relationship with Christ.
    When it is God that builds the house, from the foundation upwards, it is very beautiful thing that I should not fear. It is a powerful witness to others of God’s grace. When God restores divorced people, He is showing the kind of Love that He displayed through Hosea. When God asked to marry a prostitute I am sure that he thought for a moment he was going insane and heard wrongly! But, God loves to give people all kinds of chances, as they repent and learn about real love.

    I know God has good plans for each person, and has a heart especially for divorced people who have lived through the drama of betrayal. They more than others perhaps , understand the value of true love, and lasting friendship, and commitment. I know that none are so appreciative as those who have lost something very valuable and have it returned to them –
    He has come to bind up the broken hearted and place them in families, and restore them. God is so faithful merciful and kind to us no matter what we have been through.
    In Him
    Trish

    Posted by Trish | July 12, 2009, 3:01 am
    • Wow Trish,

      Even though I know its been nearly two years since you wrote this, I’ve only just read it and find it amazing.

      So open, honest, filled with brokeness and pain, but also hope and love for our Lord, there is complete trust too.

      This is an inspired letter, I pray that your prayers have been met and that healing continues in your life.

      I have had very simular issues, concerns.

      In Love
      Wayne

      Posted by Wayne | January 13, 2011, 12:56 am
      • Wayne,

        I so appreciate your taking the time out to respond to my post.

        I am in a much different place since I wrote that, having gone through two years of Celebrate Recovery.

        I am still single, but I have accepted that through much wrestling. I used to believe that I would know I was “healed” when I was in a healthy marriage, and used that as a barometer. That was a mistake because I was making myself more miserable in an already tough situation.

        There is so much pressure on all of us singles. I have not been pursued by any gentleman that I responded to in that “special “way. ( Only one that sent my heart soaring , but he is not a believer at this time)

        Given the options I have been given , I prefer singleness to any offers given me , up to this time. I think this is very interesting, because I know God could easily bring my way a gentleman to my liking, that is a Christian, if He so choose to do that.

        I am still constantly pressured by people all around me who think there must be something wrong with me that I am not married. I know others want to see me happy, but I can not provide the love of my life, only God can. I can not produce the feelings for someone I do not have. I do not wish to enter into a relationship of desperation, weakness, or convenience. Maybe others can, but I can not.

        I can not understand God’s timing in my life, but I do know that He is faithful and even if I never again have the pleasures of a relationship with a man, I CAN live a content and satisfying life, no longer living my life wishing it were different, and angry with God for denying my needs. He knows best. He loves best.

        I heard Charles Stanley say, ” There is one thing worse than waiting on God, and that is wishing you would have.”

        Having made such a disastrous choice the first time, I am willing to be as patient as God desires me to be for His will to unfold. I know longer view my long wait as incitement of my worth, or that something is wrong with me.

        I know plenty of insane , unpleasant, unloving, and quirky people who are married. Being married does not necessarily indicate one’s condition of mental health, just as being single does not.

        It is a gift that God gives, when He so chooses, not something we earn when we are deemed , “good enough”

        There is so many confusing and weird things said to single people:
        “ You need to get out there, meet lots of people.”
        “ You need to stop looking. “
        “ You need to stop being so picky.”
        “ You need to know what you want.”
        “ When you totally love and accept yourself, the right one will come”
        ” You are just not ready”
        ” You need more healing”

        On and on with contradictory and silly stuff. All focused on some form of criticism on the single person- which is great for self- esteem:)

        It has been wonderful for me to break free from many cultural doctrines about identity, even within the church. I used to feel God was punishing me by “keeping” me alone, but now, I understand that all of us go through many types of suffering, and I must accept mine with grace, trusting that God ‘s love guides my every day. Pain is inevitable in life, no one escapes it, but misery is optional.

        I have chosen to no longer listen to programs, teachings, which esteem marriage above all else. I found that while listening to such programs , I would become envious, and angry at God for not providing me with that which is being presented as the most important.

        While marriage is a honorable state, and valuing it is good, making it the focus of life, is a mistake. Our walk with Jesus is the most important gift He gives. That is something all of us have been given, and working on our love life with Him, makes ALL relationships richer, whatever they may be.

        I am working on all my relationships, as all of us have the opportunity to do.

        By trusting God every day, and not projecting into the future, I can accept His love and grace and companionship as enough. Whatever comes, I can give thanks for the blessing He does provide, all the answers, healing, kindness, compassion He does give. He does not always answer the way I wish, but He always answers right.

        I have stopped obsessing about those longings He has chosen not to answer, those things He has not done, and quiet my restlessness , by rehearsing instead , the blessings He does give. He gives me power to resist temptations, and to trust Him no matter what circumstance I find myself in, no matter what pain I feel, or feelings I have, He is my Rock, always.

        We human beings like to compare our circumstances with each other to make some kind of judgment about them, but this is foolish . Very often our conclusions are wrong. Only God knows what He is doing in each of our lives individually, and how it will all unfold – as He sees the whole picture.

        Part of the work of faith is withholding judgement about what God is doing, and choosing instead, to trusting in His love enough with all the details. Problem is most of the time, my flesh doesn’t care for His methods.:)

        This takes very hard work, but His helps are always available.

        By focusing on God alone, and not over- analyzing my circumstances, I am doing much better and now am much closer to contentment. The serenity prayer is very helpful to me- discerning what is in my control, and what is not. I can not change the past- as much as I have desired to. I may not always like my current circumstances, but I am not God and do not know all things- like what is best for me. Somehow , that is painful to admit, and humbling.

        I know God has a good plan for your life Wayne, and that all of your experiences He IS working out to bless you in ways you can never predict. Being the One who loves your soul, He can not do anything against His beloved- only that which is beneficial to you.

        May you continue to experience all the peace, contentment and joy that only God, through Jesus Christ can bring to anyone.

        I pray He touches you in a new , fresh way and brings refreshment to your spirit for the days ahead as you walk along with the Faithful One where ever He leads. There are wonderful things in your future that God has planed from the beginning of time.

        Have fun, no matter what! Do not let anything steal your joy!

        One thing I am increasing thankful for are people who love God. I am thankful for you, being part of the body of Christ.
        Honored to be your sister,
        Trish

        Posted by Trish081268@yahoo.com | January 14, 2011, 4:03 am
    • Trish,
      Amazing how God touches other hearts when He is cradling our own. Thank you for sharing. I am reading this at a vulnerable time in my life as I am going through the pangs of a failed marriage. I am hopeful as I read this because I can’t see through the storm right now. I am like the Captain of a ship at stormy sea straining to see the lighthouse so I don’t shipwreck. This blog was one such lighthouse at the right time. God bless and I hope you are strong in the Lord still.
      -Trent

      Posted by Anonymous | November 15, 2012, 12:40 pm
    • It is humbling to know that others are in the same or can relate to a situation that i am currently in. God bless the body of Christ. Hold each other up for a sweet smelling savour to God.

      Posted by ramanzano99 | December 10, 2012, 10:49 pm
  7. Mark,
    Just wanted to add that I could relate to so much of what you shared about your childhood, and the affects it had on your personality.

    Thank you so much for being willing to share that with others. That kind of vulnerability is rare , but so helpful to me to feel like I am not the only one in the world who struggles with feelings of disconnection, and loneliness. I have felt shame over this and feelings of being unlovable.

    It is healing to know that you have felt that way also, and makes me angry at the enemy, that he keeps really great people, who have so much to share and love to give, stuck in that. I think it is one of God’s favorite things when people realize the great things inside them that He gave them. When they can like themselves, accept who they are with all their flaws- the whole package.
    We are all in process.

    Glad to hear that God is healing you, and I hope to be further along, am growing in grace every day.

    Finding your blog and reading your insightful writing has helped me heal in a way I can’t explain- guess it makes me realize I am not the only one in the Christian in the world who struggles with things like this.

    Thanks,
    Trish

    Posted by Trish | July 12, 2009, 3:15 am
  8. Trish, it inspired me to read your inner thoughts on paper about divorce. I was married 22 yr. to my first husband and he died instantly of a heart attack. Well that wasn’t enough my 19yr. old so n died ine week later from injuries he received in a car accident, I was so hurt, I really didn’t know what I was going to do. Finanicially ok, because I was the spouse that worked and my husband was a stay at home dad. But, I was so lonely, I had been with a mate for 22yrs. and it was hard having that half of me gone. Well 2yrs. after I lost my husband I remarried a man, that I thought I was so in love with, he was sweet kind and he didn’t physically abuse me as my 1st husband did. I stayed with him because I thought it was the right thing to do, and I didn’t want to break up my family. Anyway 2yrs. after his death I married this (what I thought) was a wonderful men and he was for awhile until he got addicted to prescription drugs and it totally changed him and me to 2 totally different people, I soon became a house bug, I was afraid to go anywhere, because I didn’t know when I would come home and find him overdosed, I had to give him CPR 2 times when I woke up and found him in the floor blue and cold. He never physically abused me but the emotionally and that’s just as bad, well he got mad one night because I left we had gotten into an argument (on my birthday) and I just left, I hate confrontation. I spent the night with his sister and he got mad because I didn’t come home and destroyed my home he done $60,000 dollars worth of damage to my home, I was devestated, but at that time I thanked God I wasn’t there because he probably would have killed me. I don’t think God would expect me to stay with someone like that. I divorced him when he was in jail and I don’t regret it. That was my home I had bought 2yrs. before I married him and he tried to hurt me by destroying it. But I didn’t let that defeat me I got my house fixed and it looks better than ever. GOD IS GOOD. He is out of jail, back on drugs and has a married woman living with him lol. Me I am still single 3yrs. I am very lonely and would love for god to send me the mate he has always had for me. Would I feel bad to marry again?? No, because I know God wants his children happy and being 47yrs. young lol, I don’t think God wants me to die alone do you? God forgives all sin even divorce, and once it is forgiven it is thrown into the sea of forgetfulness, and he don’t hold it against you. Satan does he is a liar and he wants us to think we are doing wrong by marrying again, he don’t won’t us happy, but God does, once he forgives us, he don’t remember why should we beat ourselves up over it again? We shouldn’t, tell Satan he’s a liar, and you have been forgiven. So, I don’t think the desires of a woman wanting to have a lifelong mate is wrong, even after divorce, when it’s really wasn’t our choice for the divorce. We shouln’t be punished the rest of our lives, that’s not the kind of GOD I serve. I serve a kind, forgiving, understanding and merciful GOD full of grace. Thank you Lord and please send me my mate soon lol. Sincerly, Teresa

    Posted by Teresa | January 22, 2010, 9:28 am
  9. Dear Teresa:
    Thank you for sharing your story. You have endured so much pain. I praise God for you, and your continued faith in the Jesus Christ, who is our living hope.

    It is clear that all of us are sinners. We make mistakes, other people do also. He sent His Holy Spirit to help us through all the circumstances of life, in addition to the Holy Word that guides us everyday. I know He loves you very much.

    The Gospel is good news. Jesus fulfilled the law, and ushered in Grace. It is only by His grace that any of us can stand. I know He has a good plan for your life. The reasons for divorce are many and complicated. Only God knows in each case what is very best. He knows the hearts of all people.

    I know that God loves the broken hearted in a special way that those who have not suffered so greatly can not understand. Their pride keeps them from being fully accepted and loved unconditionally by the Jesus who dies for their sin. The suffering you have gone through identifies you in Christ. You belong to Him forever.

    After being divorced and then single as a result of trying to live in a pure way since, I can say that God meets the lonely. He understands and the many ways and constant cries out to Him to meet those needs which singleness creates are meet with power and grace.

    It is very painful. I know. There are no easy answers, no quick fixes to dealing with very painful personal circumstances that may go on for a very long time.

    I pray for your healing, your wholeness and for joy for you – regardless of whether or not God chooses to provide another mate for you.

    There is a wonderful support group called Celebrate Recovery- that has been instrumental in my healing the last two years. I have found peace in my circumstance since going. It is for anyone who has ever had a hurt, hang- up, past wounds, or any compulsions or addictions.( which is ALL of us)

    I have worked through many of the resentments, anger and co- dependency issues that have held my heart in bondage for years. I praise God for His power, and His great delight in restoring His people to wholeness and giving them freedom to love and be loved unconditionally, accepted in the Beloved – divorced or not.

    I know that whether or not God ever chooses to bring me a gentleman to walk this life with or not, He loves me, I matter to Him and that He has the power to help me recovery from sin, and I can live in joy.

    I love your honesty and God does also. He honors the humble. Jesus is not a rule book. He is a person who wants a relationship with each of us uniquely. His plans unfold each day as we seek to bring Him glory and make it our hearts desire to delight Him.

    He know each of situations and will guide us accordingly.
    I send you a hug and my love in Christ.
    May you feel His presence with You and feel His touch.

    He loves you Theresa. He is working in your life today.
    You are precious to God, and I am so glad you are in the family! Great is our God!

    Love,
    Trish

    Posted by Trish | January 23, 2010, 2:07 am
  10. Mark, thank you and bless you for your website. God is doing a mighty work through you, brother in a world that has so few resources for the divorced Christian.

    And Trish, bless you for your honesty and your help to others on here. I know our Father has someone really special put aside for you, just as He has for me. I pray that He sends him your way soon (if He hasn’t already!).

    Michael

    Posted by Michael | June 28, 2010, 11:56 am
  11. I just wanted to say how greatful I am to all who are willing to post their inner most private and vulnerabilities here so that others may find healing and support.

    I’ve been divorced and remarried a good Christian man. Having married the first time and raised to sons outside of my faith I can completely testify that living God’s plan in marriage and raising my youngest child with my second-chance marriage is hugely different and beautiful by comparison.

    I’m so in love with my husband who loves me so much and whom I respectfully give him his place as head of house–a true reflection of the Christ as head of the church body his bride. It isn’t without challenges but if it wasnt for those life challenges I wouldn’t experience the agape love that has been given to me by my husband.

    I visited this site because my brother in Christ is going through divorce and it breaks my heart — I remember the pain of it all. I pray for all those who have survived it as I have and found grace and mercy in Him. When everything else seems to fall apart around us, taking cover on our Father’s lap for protection and comfort and trusting that His will is being done–and ours is for the asking, I cry out for the anguished hearts suffering from divorce.

    God bless you and keep His children out of darkness and into the light.

    Papillon

    Posted by Papillon | October 22, 2010, 1:42 pm
  12. By the way, I too came from a troubled childhood past of abuse. I’m able to help other children through it as God has restored and given me back my innocense–only He could.

    I am a testament of His faithfulness on all those who suffer from a past that threatens to consume your future.

    Thanks for listening…
    Papillon

    Posted by Papillon | October 22, 2010, 1:46 pm
  13. i am pretty sure that God DOES want me to die alone. i am not ugly, nor fat, nor cruel nor unpleasant. everyone in my social / work circle likes me … but when its hookup time, i never get hit on. and when i hit on others … boy that is almost an instant harbinger that she s gonna find a man ASAP who of course is always someone else.
    ironically, even before i was saved, i did my best to obey Gods word regarding human sexuality. i passed up virtually all opportunities because it ‘wasnt right’.
    for better or worse, i am wired so that physical relationships MUST be emotional. so i have always balked at having sex with people i knew i wouldnt feel like getting up and making breakfast in bed for, talking to, hanging out with and going to the matinee with the following day. i wasnt saved so i didnt behave that way because it was wrong; i did it because it didnt ‘feel right.’
    postpone sex for a year or more of christian courtship? come on, how many ‘christian men’ actually pull that off? im sure — from bitter experience — that i can do a year or two of celibacy standing on my head.
    i tend to develop emotional attachments to female friends and then much later decide i want it to develop into something more. by then, some asshole whom theyre eventually going to marry, then break up with has swept them away and ive lost my opportunity.
    one expects that to happen from time to time. but one expects there to be exceptions, lucky intervals, rare opportunities too. not me. too many decades of deprivation behind me to kid myself that ‘one of these days im gonna meet someone …”

    my attitude has gotten so sour … it is so plain that God is rubbing my nose in what a loser i am, except that He and i both know it aint so … that this whole loneliness issue has shaken my faith.
    well not really — i know who made the world, and i know the gospels are the ultimate prizewinning nonfiction.
    i just think that Gods plan for me is, for reasons known only to Him, to torment me with loneliness until i am too old to enjoy romance anyway.
    sorry for my bad attitude. maybe i shouldnt be posting on a ‘christian men’ website. but i think ive earned he right to piss and moan.

    Posted by job | November 9, 2010, 4:34 am
    • Hi Job

      Considering what you have experience, yes you are earned the right to moan and complain. Just one thought… why are you blaming God for how you feel? The enemy is the one who is oppressing you, not God?! Wake up and place the blame where it really should be! And Jesus Christ is how you fight back. His words in scripture are a sword. Come on dude, don’t let the enemy beat up on you for yet another year… hit back with some faith and scriptures!

      God bless, Mark.

      Posted by Mark Wilson | November 9, 2010, 5:46 am
  14. Hey Job:
    Praying for you!
    in Christ,
    Trish

    Posted by Trish | November 10, 2010, 12:30 am
  15. Please pray for me brothers and sisters. I have two awesome kids and things are going south for me and my wife. We are in the process of starting a divorce. I don’t want it to end this way but I can’t take this anymore. I can not live the rest of my life like this. Thank you for the prayers and thank you Father for the blessings and grace you give.

    Posted by Scott | September 4, 2011, 1:42 am
  16. Hi Scott. I don’t post much on here but when I read your note I had to respond. You wrote that on September 3rd which is a very special day for me. It is my parents anniversary. They were married for over fifty years when my dad passed away. There marriage was filled with love, children, a happy home and lots of great times. It was also filled with heartache, infidelity, miscommunication and pain. The point to remember is that they worked through ALL that stuff and stayed married until the day one of them went to meet the Lord. Try and try again with all that you have to work on your marriage. I am sure it might seem useless but God can make the worst situation into a story of success. If you try with all your heart no matter what happens you can tell God that you did your best for Him….and for your marriage.

    Be Blessed,

    Van

    Posted by Van Stewart | September 11, 2011, 10:42 pm
  17. Thank you all very much. I promise I will do all that is in my power to make things work. I plan to let the Lord deal with it all and let it go the way he wants it to.

    Posted by Scott | September 12, 2011, 2:42 am
    • Hi Scott. I have thought again and again about your comment here to do all you can. Of course divorce is only a very last resort. And it’s only ok if you are in a serious situation in which the covenant is broken. In other words someone is cheating or if someone is being abused. If either of those two things are true, then you do not have to continue in such a situation. So I strongly recommend that you talk to someone about the situation you are facing and let them help you to determine what the way ahead is for you.

      Look after yourself. Take care of you.

      God bless you,
      Mark.

      Posted by Mark Wilson | September 12, 2011, 9:03 pm
  18. hi i just googled about divorce on christian men and i happen to stumble upon this one..ITS VERY ENCOURAGING AND EYE OPENING READING ALL THE COMMENTS.. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ABOUT 3 YEARS NOW.i will be honest with u my marriage is in shambles now, my wife has been ghone for 4 months now staying with her mom. I now have regrets of having to marry a person out of the will of God.WE WERE NOT MEANT FOR EACH OTHER.it is as if im paying the price. She is now blaming me for her long stay, the painful part is even when i apologized and sent money home for her to come back, she still wants to see how long i can fight for this marriage..I AS HOWLONG WILL I KEEP APOLOGIZING? I KNOW I HAVE MY FAULTS..NO ONE IS PERFECT., but she does not see her wrongs at all. You know ,the only thing that keeps me to this marriage is a prophecy that came through my pastor that God will bring her back, and people tell me i must not divorce her, i am tempted to think MAYBE MY PASTOR MISHEARD THE LORD AND I KNOW ITS WRONG TO THINK LIKE THAT, BUT I CANT HELP IT..SHE EVEN TOLD HER MOTHER AND MY MOTHER THAT SHE IS NOT COMING BACK ANYMORE..we have 2 children together, the one is with me now and the baby is with her. I PRAY THAT GOD REALLY INTERVENES, I DONT WANT TOL HAVE TO WAIT FOR HER AND THE NEXT MINUTE SHE IS PREGNANT. i mean four months? and she does that everytime she visits her mother.she stays for a long time..i really need God to help me to take this punishment if its a punishment..and to not fall into temptation while waiting.. GOD BLESS YOU FROM SOUTH AFRICA

    Posted by PERCY | January 11, 2012, 11:55 am
  19. I am glad someone out there thinks the same way i do on this subject, so many have made me feel like i did the wrong thing, but i tried for many years to make it better, i couldnt do it any longer, (yes, it is both that need to give 100%)! i would definately change the way i handled it in the end, but its done the way its done and it haunts me almost daily!

    Posted by 1flowergirl | April 18, 2012, 3:42 pm
  20. I found this website while seeking some type of comfort for I am going through a divorce. It is not something I want but I can not change her mind. I love her dearly and pray that the Lord will give me the strength to accept what happens.

    I will pray for you all.

    Carl

    Posted by Anonymous | August 6, 2012, 12:29 pm
  21. Trish,
    are you still there?

    Posted by Searching | September 23, 2012, 11:33 pm
  22. You made some decent factors there. I appeared on the internet for the difficulty and found most people will go along with along with your website.

    Posted by healmyselfnow.com | November 28, 2012, 3:56 am
  23. Sorry, but one marriage for life. If you married for the wrong reasons… find the right reasons. If you don’t love her anymore… start learning how to love her. Got problems… fix them. Tired of your spouse… tough. Divorce is only a coward’s excuse.

    Posted by John | April 26, 2013, 2:50 am
    • Hi John

      In principle you are right. But Jesus Christs say “divorce is allowed” and God is a divorcee. I suggest that in some situations the person needs to take into account things like unfaithfulness and abuse before deciding what to do.

      God bless you,
      Mark.

      Posted by Mark Wilson | April 26, 2013, 7:36 am

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